Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I am Overweight and Starving...

For the last year or so, I have been aware that I really need to lose some weight...and I mean like 50lbs of weight. Now let me say that I have never been the "obsess over my weight" kind of person--when I was yonger, I was not a lightweight, of 120lbs or anything. I was always sturdy, rarely sick, and generally happy with my ability to eat pretty much anything I wanted without ever getting overly plump. In college, I never gained the "freshman-15" as I attended a very large, hilly campus and was an art major, so I did a lot of standing, lifting(we made clay from 100-150lb bags of dry clay), stooping and reaching as well as walking. It was after I had my first baby and then my second that things started to get rough. My first two sons were close together--18 months--and when I found out I was pregnant the second time, I was somewhat down and depressed. At that time, my hubby was working at a stressful job, and was gone a lot, and I was home constantly with 2 babies in a tiny little house in Kane. I developed some resolve when #2 was about 4 months old and started walking in the middle of winter, (sometimes in snowstorms!)several days a week. My dear mother would come and watch the kiddos when hubby wasn't home, and I would walk about 2 miles each time. I also began to lessen the amount of sugar we consumed. I attempted to only use 1 lb. of sugar per week for everything. That was hard, as I didn't buy premade cookies, bread, or even pancake syrup(that was before I was gluten free), so I had to be really careful with that one pound. Over the course of a few months, I began to lose weight and actually attained my pre-baby weight--hallelujah! Then, my hubby applied to be a pastor and we sold our little house and moved 3 hours away from my parents. Things were good for awhile. I was active in the church, and kept busy helping my dear hubby in ministry...then we discovered we were expecting #3! This was further spaced than #s 1 and 2, and we were thrilled, and ready for our family to grow again. And then, we had #4 pretty fast again. So, since then, it's been nearly 3 years, and I am again a good 50 lbs overweight. Over the months, I have tried to find ways to make small changes to eat healthier, so that I don't try to go "cold-turkey" and make it just too hard. Nothing has really helped. With four kids, I can't just hop up and walk anytime the spirit hits me... I have an eliptical machine, that I have been using more, (but it makes my feet go numb when I do so), and I loathe just walking on the machine, so I try to find something to listen to while I do so, and of course it's hard to fit that in... Anway, I've done a lot of pondering about my weight, habits, and what is keeping me from following through with any resolves at all. As I began to think about it, it occurred to me that it would seriously depress me to stop eating sweets and other high-calorie foods completely, or even limit them severely. It further depressed me to think about living on low-fat, low-carb, low-sugar anything...and to drink LOTS of water...shudder, ugh...(though I don't drink soda--I do have some convictions!). So, then I began to ask myself (as soon as the horror subsided:) why did I feel this way? It seemed somewhat disturbing that food could be so important--to the point that altering my food habits was depressing to me...I mean REALLY depressing! Like wanting to cry, go to bed, and give up(and eat some chocolate)--depressing... It occurred to me that FOOD shouldn't have that much control over my life. And as I thought about it, several things started to show up...You know how the "experts" look at bulemia and anorexia as symptoms of control issues? I think even overeating or wrong-eating can be control issues too. And beyond that, some sinful, rebellious attitudes in my heart that have to do with discontentment, unthankfulness, fear, lonliness, and so on that are contributing to the overall problem...like using food as a panacea, or compensation for other sacrifices--saying to myself, "If I am stuck eating gluten-free for the rest of my life, then I'll compensate by choosing better-tasting stuff, regardless of the outcomes!" Or "If I must be "stuck" staying home with crazy kids all day, every day, and sacrifice so much of myself, then I'll compensate by making sure there is chocolate in the house...and cream cheese, lots of cream cheese!" Or "If I have to give up all the things I have loved--music, fine arts(drawing/painting), then I'll just direct those creative talents into perfecting the gluten-free double chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting"...Do you see what I am saying? Filling up the gaps made by sacrificing self--with food. The difficulty with food is that it's so necessary...You don't need to smoke. But you do need to eat...and the human mind is so good at self-deceit...and justification..."but it's Sunday, that should be a special day of feasting..." and so on... As I was talking this over with my dear husband last night, it occurred to me that if food-control was given up, then something would have to take its place...and really all the discontent, rebellion, and fear would have to be dealt with, in order to address the REAL problem. In my mind, I pictured a huge void, like a sinkhole...I know that if I attempt to live with the sinkhole, food will just tumble back in...the sinkhole must be filled with something permanent, and lasting... That is when the thought came to me about Christ calling Himself the BREAD of LIFE...or the LIVING WATER. When HE spoke to the woman at the well, he said, "Whoever comes to ME and drinks will never be thirsty." And I began to realize that what masquerades as body hunger, is actually soul-hunger...but pride, rebellion, and love of self don't want to acknowledge it...if we are truly feeding upon Christ and His Word, then sacrifices we make in our lives for HIS sake would be sweet, not a canker of resentment...Any endeavor made for Christ would be one done out of devtion, and hence a joy...and the lack thereof simply exposes the heart of the matter...What is the necessary action? REPENTANCE...and an intense seeking of Christ...feeding upon Him til the soul is satisfied...and if the soul is satisfied, the body will follow...

8 comments:

  1. I am definately understanding this. I am also 50lbs or so overweight, my son is now 15months old. Before I just let the weight pile on because I was depressed and had two misscarriages. It was really hard, and my siblings didn't seem to struggle in the same area. I felt I had no one to talk to. Now I realize that the hunger in me is for God not necessarily food. Granted I love food. I such not live to eat, but eat to live and not fall into the sin of gluteny. It is still a big work in progress, I fail more than I succeed, but I know it takes one day at a time and if I ask God for help and listen. Hint: Listen, I will begin to be what God intended. I'be also been reading a book "made to crave" and am having a sort of study with some fellow Christian woman. I bulked at the idea at first, but am seeing I need to open my ears to God and more of my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Laura, you hit the nail on the head! Unlike most addictions, food is necessary for life, and, let's face it, NO ONE lists broccoli as a comfort food! Jim and I both needed to lose some pounds and began an extremely low-carb diet. Over the past year, he has lost 30 pounds out of his 45 pound goal, while I have lost.... 8 pounds....or some days 6 pounds... out of 20, in spite of eating healthy! I rest assured, though, that God doesn't judge me by my size, but by the content of my heart. Ironically, everyone's heart is roughly the same size ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I love Jesus too. I find that when I put spending time with him first, before exercising or anything I want to do, I draw strength and love from him to give back to everyone... including myself. I have not yet had the pleasure of having kids, so I can't speak to loosing baby weight. I know my mom worked really hard at it but did not have much success. So I am determined NOW, before I have kids, while I can see myself changing weight, to get to my ideal weight. How did I get motivated? The scale. How do I keep going? Structure. I do better with it - I keep a chart where I get to cross off an x when I exercise! I was an athlete all my life through college, but exercise was used so much as a punishment it took the fun out of it. I also have feet problems where high-impact exercise sends severe pain through my feet. So I like Leslie Sansone's walk at home workouts - SUPER easy and they range in mile length and intensity - and fitnessblender.com's workouts - made by a husband and wife team, and styled like you're working with a personal trainer. They incorporate all forms of exercise - and most video workouts are under 30min! That is perfect for a busy mom. I feel that they hit on one HUGE overlooked fact for weight-loss - you MUST build muscle if you want to keep off weight! If you don't, your metabolism won't stay high. The more muscle you have, the more your body has to work to move it all, and the more calories you'll burn! And I don't mean you have to bulk up! As far as eating goes, the more you buy not pre-packaged the better. The more you make from scratch, the better. I too love to get creative with my breads and sweets in the kitchen. Try to stick to leaner proteins like chicken and beans (cheaper too) - eat carrots or apples with bp for a snack - and have more protein in your breakfast. Starch - in bready or sugary form - not protein - is the culprit. Someone was recently surprised I had never had a frozen dinner from the store - my mom had 4 kids she homeschooled and always made food from scratch. But I think the most important thing for me is my husband telling me I'm beautiful no matter what - and reinforcing that in other ways.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree Allison, and despite what my post may have indicated, it's not that I don't prepare nourishing meals, it's that I eat too much of what I do prepare and also too much of what I make as extra(baking and such)...I have NEVER consumed a frozen dinner, either. It's more about the heart, and lapsing into idolatry, than just about good habits...habits I can understand and figure out...it's the desire to actually implement them, so they will work! Does that make sense?? And without being aligned with Christ in every way, other things sneak in that are out of balance...attitudes, preconceptions etc...

      Delete
  4. My beautiful sister-in-law! GREAT BLOG!!!

    Anywho, as you know, I have battled the same issue without the children, unfortunately. My life has become a whirlwind of craziness. Not only has my health suffered, but my marriage, family, friendships. All I do is work, so I am too tired to do anything else. I am trying to change that now as you know.

    HOWEVER, I have also found that my sinful nature makes this so much harder. I have been very "good" about my eating habits for the past month and have lost 12 lbs. This is great, very great, but then the evil one comes rushing into my life, causing craziness and surrounding me with hurtful people and problems. I give in to him. Yes, I know! Why?! I give into his pain and then I EAT and EAT to forget about it!!!

    I realize how much I don't PRAY for his strength to not eat my worries away. why oh why do I not pray?! I can do all things through HIM! Even control my eating habits. So simple! My eating habits. What a silly thing. Maybe I think that it's not worthy of prayer. I don't know, but I am sure going to work on it!

    I will be praying for you my sister!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did not mean to make that anonymous!

      Delete
    2. Ok. I think I figured out how to actually reply on here with my name. Oh boy! I think I am technologically literate and then I find something that stumbles me!

      Delete

please be kind, folks:) Differences of opinion are fine, but let the love of Christ reign here...